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The Mountain that led me here

About two months ago my Mom went to the doctor with concerns about a pain she was feeling in her side. After much testing, two surgeries, a trip to MD Anderson in Huston, and a lot of questions/confusion my mom was recently diagnosed with MOC (Muniscous Ovarian Cancer). Today my Mom started Chemo--she will have six chemo treatments total, 1 every 3 weeks.

During this time my boyfriend seemed to be distancing himself from me--he forgot my birthday, and when I told him about my Mom's cancer he responded only by saying "That sucks." When I reached out for more support I didn't get a single text message back that day. After much debate with myself I knew that I deserved better. I deserve someone who doesn't just say they love me but someone who shows me through their actions--especially when the times get tough. When I approached him about how I was feeling he basically admitted that he had been wanting to break up but either didn't know how to do it or was waiting for a "good time". There is no good time to break off a 9 month relationship. This was by far my longest and most serious relationship in my life thus far. Being in this relationship despite the fact that it didn't work out was amazing. I learned what I want out of a relationship and what qualities I look for in a man. My now ex checked a lot of boxes and I don't want this post to in anyway seem scathing of him. Ultimately, our relationship didn't work out like I was hopeful it would but I wouldn't trade those 9 months for anything.

In the past couple of years I've been hoping that a man would fill the self-esteem void that I've felt since middle school. This life style choice that I am pursuing-- the idea of dating yourself is one I have been toying with for awhile. I am not opposed to being in a relationship with another person, they can be wonderful and totally fulfilling however; I think that ultimately if you don't love yourself you will never be able to fully love another person or be fully loved by another person.

In the desperate quest for self-care and self-love I have decided to share the various pieces of my journey here. I know so many other people struggle with the same issues that I do and even though it can be tough to open up like this I am willing to do it if it reaches just one person who may be struggling . If you would like to join me on this adventure I'd love to have you.